Birthday Lessons

Hello Froggy Friends!

It was my birthday the day before I wrote this, my 27th birthday. It has been weird to have a birthday, my entire life. It never felt like it was about celebrating me. It sometimes felt like I was a burden to be shown in my best dress and mask, to smile and show that I am something to be proud of. But never for anything I did. Just for being the beautiful perfect doll I was supposed to be.

Yesterday, the friends who know and celebrate the real me, celebrated me on purpose. I wore my favorite dress and my noise cancelling headphones with frog sounds in them. I clutched onto my giant stuffed animal. I sat on my mobility aid, and kept scooching further and further away from the group. I was sometimes just dissociated in the trees. I forgot to eat my birthday treat. I didn't give anyone a hug (I offered a frog stuffie as hug proxy)

AND, I had the best time! I felt so loved and known and seen for exactly who I was, I didn't have to pretend to want to hug anyone. or smile or take any pictures. I said out loud, over an hour before the planned time was over; "I have 20 minutes left before I'm going in my car". and then I just kinda stared into space again. and my friends all started clapping???

My friends know how hard that was for me, how in trouble I felt, how much I was scared to be seen.

And when I showed myself, my disabled self, with less capacity than I want or planned on having, they all cheered for me.

That is love. To hear that someone can announce their capacity, even if it is less than expected, and cheer at their ability to say no and keep themselves safe.

Thank you to my friends, who love me in everything I am, who cheer for me even when I have to say no, and who bring me joy by showing me how much they know me and see me. Thank you to my friends for knowing me, seeing me, and loving me for ME!

Love from the bog of the happiest old frog, Sunflower