Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is something I learned about in 2025, in the wake of my ex-husband leaving suddenly without a clear explanation. Our therapist (not a marriage therapist, but one helping us to split) taught this phrase to me as I was struggling to understand the "how" and "why" of the situation we were in. The situation I was now in alone.

He couldn't give me a full reason, and I wanted something clear that I could fix. But that's the thing, there was nothing to fix. That is when the therapist taught me about radical acceptance. There was no more work to be done, nothing for me to change, nothing for me to be to make it all okay. There was only acceptance.

Acceptance means recognizing a reality without trying to fight it or change it. Radical acceptance is a specific way of accepting without judgement or shame or resistance (a term in DBT). To me, the acceptance I had to do in that moment was truly radical, truly extreme.

I had to not resist when everything was changing around me. My best friend, my husband, was leaving (and leaving from out of the country). I had no family support to lean on. I no longer had his family supporting me. I was still recovering from 3.5 years of being mostly in bed (and daily constant tortuous pain until my surgery). I was recovering from multiple organ removal. I was extremely skinny after losing around 40-50 pounds of inflammation that accumulated during the time I was sick. I was still seriously unwell.

Everything in me wanted to fight. Everything in me wanted to resist this change. Everything in me wanted to judge him for leaving me in this state. Everything in me wanted to scream that none of this was fair. But that wouldn't have changed my situation.

I did have emotions. I did scream in my car. I did need therapy. I did need support from my friends online and in person. But, that started with accepting the situation as real. I started telling people what was going on, not so they could fix it or change it but so I had support while it happened.

It didn't happen right away, the radical acceptance. It took a couple weeks of explaining from the therapist to fully understand what my role would be in this change. It wasn't EASY. It wasn't INSTANT.

And, it was triggering. Because radical acceptance had been used against me before. I grew up in a high-control religion that had the answers for everything, and if they didn't, it was my fault for asking. for doubting the God of the Universe. "This is how it is. This is how God created it to be. This is why. Do not question it, do not question us, and your doubt is sin that is keeping you from Love." I was forced to accept violence as "discipline", control as "love", and fear as "respect".

Radical acceptance can be used to harm and silence.

Radical acceptance can also be used as a tether to reality and a way to have full connection to your free will in a situation that feels like there's no choice.

Radical acceptance of my ex-husband leaving allowed me to tether into the reality that this IS happening, and I don't get to change that it IS happening. But, I get to choose how I act while it is happening. I don't get to choose the circumstance this is happening under, but I do get to choose what I do in these circumstances.

Since that time, I have been able to choose to love my body more every day and feed it the way it needs. I have been able to love and care for my cats with the help of my friends. I was able to rent a U-haul with the help of strangers who heard my story on TikTok and donated funds. I was able to drive a U-haul myself across the country, with friends waiting on the other side to help me unpack. I was able to live and recover in a friends living room while they graciously allowed me use of their house. I was able to make new friends, learn new things, take care of my body and mind and spirit. All of this, in radical acceptance that this IS what is happening, and this is what I chose in those circumstances. All of these things, I believe, are from the power that it gave me to radically accept my circumstances and tether myself to reality while making small choices to change myself every day.

We can get stuck in the past, in something someone said or did, and live our Now-Time to try and change the past. So we are good enough, so that didn't happen, so that will never happen again. But, we don't always get the how and why answered. And when we don't, we can lean on our ability to radically accept the circumstances and make small choices every day that help us to move forward. Thinking we can fix the past is a delusion. Choosing something different every Now-Moment, making our life 1% better every day? That is reality.

I did not accept that I DESERVED what happened to me, just that it DID happen.

I do not accept that I DESERVE to live under a capitalistic, patriarchal structure that makes me and many others "less than" or "something to fix" - just that I am living in it and can make choices every single day to move towards a world that isn't like this. I get to make choices every day WHILE living under these structures, to move towards a world that accepts every person for who they are, reduces harm that is being done on massive scales, and gives equal opportunity to every single person to do good.

What are you accepting? Is it bringing you closer to reality, or further stuck in a delusional system that someone else created for you?

Thank you for reading, froggy friends, and I am so proud of you for constantly choosing a life that is better for yourself and others. Sunflower

I made a YouTube video about this, it explains it a little differently and you can watch it here: