The Child Was Never The Problem

The other day in conversation, my best friend/QueerPlatonic life partner said something that shattered some illusions (and made parentification make a lot more sense for me)-

I spent so long cultivating my parents voices in my head, that they lingered long after I went no contact. Their voices internally gaslit me in my head. Their judgement in my mind stopped me from acting when I wanted to. Their shame burst in my chest whenever I said or did something that didn't feel perfectly aligned to the god they served and the life they lived.

But, my parents don't live inside me. Why do I hear them in there? Why can't I turn their programs off now that I am away from them?

I became the parent. I became them inside of me. I tried to fix me to make me better according to my own child-standards, and it was never enough for them, so I downloaded their programs into my brain, because maybe I could fix the program in myself.

But I couldn't. The child in me didn't need to be controlled, by me or by my parents. The child in me did not need to experience violence in order to learn. The child in me needed to be loved, and nurtured, and taught without violence or harm. The thing that needed fixing was the cycle of making the child the problem, and making the child experience the violence the adults created.

So I will not make my inner child the problem. When those voices of the past come up, I will allow myself to speak back, even in my own mind. I am allowed to speak up for myself now. I am allowed to act imperfectly and make mistakes and be loved. I am allowed to ignore the voices in my head that tell me I need to "just BE BETTER" and "you should know by now"- and I am allowed to heal the part of me that experienced real violence from people when I didn't listen to the old programs they had running in their own heads.

There was a part of me that thought, if I become like my parents, I can show the child who felt unsafe that actually the adults knew better and it was safe all along. But it wasn't safe. The adults didn't know better. The child knew it wasn't safe and nobody listened to the child and they got harmed over and over.

I listen to the child. I make safety for my child. My child is me. I am not the fixer of someone else's mistake. I am the creator of my own magic reality.

I hope you can listen to your inner child today, instead of all the voices telling you how wrong you are for just being a human.

I love me, I hope you can love you, and I hope that we can all love each other just a little bit more today.

Sunflower