July Newsletter

Happy August, froggy friends!!

I wanted to share with you what happened in Curious Little Frog universe in July; because it was certainly a LOT! Many firsts for Sunflower, new personal records, and lessons learned.

July holds lots of trauma anniversaries for me, so I knew my capacity would be limited. But, I didn't realize how much I would grow in that limited capacity! I had limited capacity for things I perceived as "productive" - but this may have been the most healing I have done in a single month in my entire life. I filled nearly an entire journal with my feelings, and the resolve of those feelings into new actionable beliefs.

July 4th, I hated the fireworks, and wanted to use the activation I was feeling and adrenaline and fear, towards something I ACTUALLY care about. Painting, myself, the concepts I am learning. So I started my biggest painting to date - see attached photos -

This piece is about corrupted play, the umbilical cord connecting our tire swing to a dead tree, the predator prey response and the viewer becoming the witness, the effects of COCSA. There are so many elements in this painting, I could not even begin to explain them here.

I have aphantasia. I am "mindblind" - I don't see anything in there. Well, it's like a black static that is every color at once constantly, it feels like space and nothingness. I don't visually imagine images. This painting is a story, a memory, a healing spell. It is layers of concepts and data from my brain until I feel that it conveys the right symbols, the language of my own brain to map a concept for someone else to look at.

I think the best way to describe this piece (in progress) is by the title, which is a memory and a story and a spell, too.

"what about grace? what about forgiveness? what about mercy?" (self-reconciliation, self-retribution, self-resolve)

This title, is what the painting means to me. I have been working on it throughout July, and it still stands unfinished. I am excited to continue it with time and space to finish telling my story.

I also took on a commission this month, another piece that is changing the way I think about and love myself.

Commissions take artistic self confidence, which can be difficult when you do not have the tools for self confidence. How do you learn self confidence when you have never been taught to be self confident? When you were told self confidence is a sin?

You learn from the people who teach you that you have things to be confident about. I am so thankful for my friends and chosen family showing me my capacity to be confident, even when my capacity and energy to "be productive" was limited this month. Even when I was flaring and had many more symptoms. Even when I needed support. I am still allowed to be confident.

In July, to learn new ways to care for myself and create new confidence and self validation, I installed a new habit. Self Love Saturday (which quickly turned into Self Love Saturday and Self Love Sunday)

I am still healing from many traumas. I still need so much space and time that I was rushing through, in the name of being "productive". And in doing so (trying to rush through my own healing to seem productive to others), I got told MANY times this month that my biggest red flag is "my ability to abandon myself for others" -

OH! You mean the thing that kept me safe and loved in childhood? My ability to put every single desire and care and need and want on the backburner, to care for others desires and cares and needs and wants? ---------

That shattered my views a little bit. It felt like the story of the man who made upside down glasses.

George M. Stratton, I really only colloquially know the story. He created glasses that made the world be perceived as upside down, and after several days of wearing noticed that the world had corrected itself. Then! Once he needed to take the glasses off, the world was upside down again once more.

I feel as though I was born into an entire community of people wearing upside down glasses. They made me wear them. I kept telling myself I could take the glasses off, but when I did, the world was upside down like they said. So I kept them on.

But with the love of my friends; who are teaching me the value of the love of my self, I took off the glasses.

The world may be upside down for a few days, and in the meantime it might feel wrong, but soon my vision will correct and I will get to see myself.

I love doing self love actions. I created a whole "self love day : standard operating procedure" - so I could tell if I was performing the self loving actions that I want to. I have had many weekends filled with self loving actions. Caring for my body, caring for my mind, caring for my home, my space, my needs and my wants. It might be a slow change, but soon it will hit all at once.

I can love myself, and care for myself, and it won't turn the world upside down for long.

Now, this was only a tiny fraction of what I learned in July. I recorded my first sample class about turning feelings into color (let me know if you wanna listen to the sample!). I painted a mini painting for a mini gallery. I went through some emotional changes and created new healthy boundaries with people I love. I talked on my youtube channel a bunch too, you can go watch those videos if you want any more detail on things. Otherwise, I will be typing for many more pages!

Life moves quick. I hope you can get curious about your own life, and find ways to build self love into your habits. It is changing my life for the better. I am so excited for everything I started this month to become the beginning of the rest of my life.

Talk soon, have a GREAT August!

your chatty frog friend, Sunflower